First Snow Fall

Well. Here I am in October... and it is snowing. SNOWING IN OCTOBER! That's a first for me. It was exciting, walking to Real Life in the falling snow. I stuck out my tongue and caught a couple of "flakes" and twirled a couple of times too. Thank goodness it was dark so no one could recognize me. It's only the beginning of winter over here on the East Coast, and it's already in the 40's. "It's cold." is a complete understatement. I'd like some sunshine right about now!

Well, this week had its ups and downs. Let's not dwell on the negatives. Mommy sent me a care package with lots and lots of socks, MARLIN! (my multicolored fish), the Booee Blanket (Tina's gift for my birthday), and another blanket and some shirts. My brothers wrote on the outside of the box... "I miss you, Christin (next line) A!" It was so cute. I teared up. Every time I tutor at New Haven Reads, I am reminded of my brothers and how I used to tutor them. I miss my mommy. It's amazing how much more we talk now that I am three thousand miles away. She told me yesterday that I don't know how much she misses me. Oh, I think I have a feeling how much, because I miss her that much too. I hope all is well at home. I need to work on not being too cranky on the phone though, I can tell that worries and kind of hurts her.

I can't let busy days and negative thoughts bog me down. I can't believe it's already MID-October. It seems as if yesterday was just October first!

I had to skip Bible Study this week because of homework. I had to skip church for the past three weeks because of work. I was about to skip Real Life today too because of work. But I had enough. I told myself I am going to be there, if only for half an hour. It was amazing. God is so merciful. I came in, and instantly, peace settled upon my heart. I greeted people and caught up with friends. Corporate worship means so much to me and I feel horrible when I sacrifice that for other things that should not even matter as much - such as homework.

My favorite way to worship is through singing - and today's songs were "I Am Free" and "Inside Out." Both were awesome and both spoke volumes about my Father in Heaven. It was amazing to sing to Him, to freely give away all my worries and all my stress, and just BE. just BE there, in His presence, alongside fellow believers.

Lately, I've been reading from Psalms each morning. It's really cool how that can jumpstart my day. It offers reassurance, comfort, and joy. It's like a daily reminder of how good God is, how faithful, and how loving He is. I get this warm fuzzy feeling when I look up and I know that He loves me. Carrie Underwood's new song, "Mama's Song" says it all:
"He is good, so good... He treats your baby girl like a real man should. He makes promises He keeps. No, He's never gonna leave..."

And that is why I am God's beloved. I am beautiful, I am loved, and I am never forsaken. And so are you.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my future. I know, everyone says "you're a freshman, you still have soooooo much time!" "why are you thinking about that now?" I can't help it. I want to know where I'm going to be, WHO I'm going to be, and who I am going to be with, how many children I'm going to have, what kind of house I'm going to live in, what my wedding day is going to be like or if I'm having one at all, when my parents will leave me, whether or not I'm capable of supporting my brothers, etc etc. I know. It's selfish. It's extremely selfish. But I dare you to tell me that you don't think about these things too.

It's frustrating not knowing, and having to wait. So many things I want to do, so many places I want to go.

I dwell too much on my past. But I don't want to think of those wonderful memories as "the past" but I also know that they can't be the "present" either, and only God knows about the "future." After a lot of thinking, I think I was so into that situation because he was the only one the actually came close to the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. Do you think it's weird that sometimes, I talk to future husband? And, of course, I pray for him too.

I know I am a family-oriented gal - maybe that came from not having a close-knit family. Maybe it came from observing other families and realizing that I want that kind of familial love, that kind of intimacy with my kin.

I ordered Joshua Harris' book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, to help with this "syndrome" I'm having lately. I've let thoughts of "who I'm going to end up with" overtake my time, time that I could spend furthering my relationship with God. I know that watching romance movies like A Walk to Remember and reading Nicholas Sparks and daydreaming about my future lover are not exactly the most healthy things to do when I want to focus on God first.

I made a promise and I plan to keep it. Thankfully, I haven't met anyone at Yale who even has the potential to waver that promise. The only piece of jewelry I wear twenty four seven is my purity ring. It's not even jewelry anymore, it's a part of me. It feels awkward to take it off. And that's why it's coming off only on my wedding day :)

So while we're on the topic, why don't I just get it out of my system. The ideal guy for me. A believer, in God, in the world, in himself, and in me. A lover, intimate, caring, and thoughtful. A thinker, a challenger, a support system. Oh the list goes on. But what's the point in having a "list" when love happens in such mysterious ways? it may be just a glance, a quirk that makes me queasy.

Rebecca St. James' song... is on repeat on my ipod, that and songs from AWTR. Haha. Thank you for introducing it to me, Sarah.
"Darling, did you know that I
I dream about you
Waiting for the look in your eyes
When we meet for the first time
And darling, did you know that I
I pray about you
Praying that you will hold on
And keep your loving eyes only for me

Darling did you know
I dream about life together
Knowing it will be forever
I'll be yours and you'll be mine
And darling when I say
" Til death do us part"
I mean it with all of my heart
Now and always faithful to you"

I'll wait for him. And, yes, I dream of life together. I dream of a big white poofy wedding dress and roses. I dream of lazy afternoons cuddling with him. I have a feeling I won't find him at Yale. I know that I'm already in love with him even though I haven't met him yet. Or maybe I have. Either way, it'll be perfect.

For now, I have more important things to do.

I love Arabic. It's so hard and I'm barely passing, but I love the language. It opens so many doors and exercises a part of my brain that is so new. I want to go to either Egypt or Jordan to do a summer program there.

This weekend should be fun in spite of the weather. I think I'm meeting up with friends at Ivy Noodle after practice tomorrow night. Then Saturday is the conversation with Sonia Sotomayor and then the Branford Screw. and Sunday, is our TKD trip to MIT! I get to see Kathy! :) and watch Tae Kwon Do. Hopefully I'll have enough experience and money to compete in the next one. Sucks that I also have to write an essay that is due at five PM on Sunday. And study for Chemistry. This vicious cycle never ends.

I really need to get a move on responding to my letters from Sarah and finish up my thank you notes to MCBC C&C. I love them so much!

I feel hug deprived. And Allie just has this miraculous way of showing up just when I absolutely need a hug. I think God sent her to me and I think she's hiding her halo.

I love Teresa for calling me every week to sing with me. Last time we did Hannah Montana's One In a Million and this week, it's HSM "Can I Have This Dance?" Very fitting. This song came up on my shuffle playlist the other day, and I sat there, just zoning out, while my mind whizzed back to that night in April. That magical, surreal night. There are only two people in this world that I would sing that song to, and she's one of them.

Well, I have to go, my blogging time is over. Arabic quiz tomorrow. I feel slightly prepared.

The wind is howling outside. I need to get a heater soon. and earmuffs.

Peace out.