TEN MORE DAYS.

Nevermind. I can't switch like this, I feel disloyal to blogspot :) And besides, I already have all my other blogs here... and to have to manage two accounts is just one more thing I have to do.

Well today was a weird day. It was hot. I never thought I'd say "it's hot" in sixty degree weather. I completely dislike walking up Science Hill and today I'm reminded again that I will make this trek many, many, many, many times during my time at Yale. Chem Lab today was alright - Ben is an awesome lab partner. Since we did timing for voltages, there was a lot of down time so I did my Arabic homework in between. I think I'm becoming better at using my pockets of time that usually go unused. Although, somehow I'm still left with a paper to write tonight that I should be working on... but for the past hour, I've been perusing the Doctors Without Borders webpage.

I wrote my Yale essay about that. And here I am straddling the line between Pre-med and Pre-Business. Dude. Sometimes I just want to shout at God and ask WHAT IS MY CALLING? Please tell me soon. Or bless me with the patience to wait. Because right now, I'm so frustrated. Frustrated because I have no direction. Frustrated because I know that somehow things will work out, but I don't have enough trust in that to convince myself in the here and now that it will work out.

I'm told that I'm too naive, too nice, too compassionate to do business. What the heck. There are nice people in the business world. I'm torn between pursuing what makes me happy and what will give me a secure future - which are two mutually exclusive things. If I'm going to be a doctor, I'm going to be a doctor for all the right reasons. Before I can convince myself of that, I'm not going to pursue it. But tonight... reopening a recent dream I had tucked away, triggered all the right emotions, all the right clicks. I want to be there - in the heart of it all, in the heart of the trouble and hurt, to fight back with the people who are hurting, fighting every second of their lives. I want to be there for the girl who has to carry her brother on her back each day to the clinic to get treatment. I want to be the smile that she sees, the hug that she receives, the hand that she holds...

I want to act justly... I want to love mercy.... and I want to walk humbly with my God.

I guess I can take that as a I'm a pre-med again epiphany. Why can't I make decisions! I think a part of the reason why is that I fear being inadequate. it's tough being a Pre-med student at Yale, anywhere for that matter. But I'm one who likes challenges, so why do I find myself backing away? Is it because I fear I won't have a social life when I'm in med school? Is it because I fear that my career will interfere with my life? What if my career is my life? Hmm.

It annoys me a bit when people say I have "so much time." I know they are right - to an extent, but honestly? I bet they were just as antsy and impatient as I am now when they were in my shoes.

I also envy people who know exactly what they want to do with their lives, people who have concrete plans. But I also know that the plans of a woman are many, but it is the Lord's directions that ultimately guide her path... sometimes, I get too caught up in "signs" that I forget God's directions. I need to stop depending on myself and depend on His plan for my life more. I just hate not knowing, but whenever I start moping about that, He always shows me how great it is to trust in Him.

Okay. So I need to write ten pages about why Muslim dress the way they do... and my argument is that it actually liberates them rather than oppresses them - contrary to popular belief. it's almost midnight.... :(

I simply cannot wait to be home, to hug my family, to sit on my couch, to play with my brothers and Tiger, to eat Asian food. ELEVEN MORE DAYS. just eleven more. well technically, since it's midnight already... TEN MORE DAYS!! YEAHH BABY! :)

And, this past week, one of my life goals has been fulfilled. I lead worship with Driven! i was so nervous, yet so stoked to be there. God is so good.

ps. I'm going to New York on Friday for a David Crowder Band!! and I am super excited about that :)
pss: Lesson of the past two weeks: Unwillingness to let go of something God has called you to let go of can result in heartache, but He will fill those voids and erase the hurt and replace it with grace and joy.
psss: Tim-Tams make my extremely happy. Tim-Tams with caramel fillings are even better.

And, roses are really smelly when they dry up. Tulips are way better.